i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
