Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
