I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
