I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
