Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
