Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
