I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize