I wish my penis had an off switch
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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