Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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