Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we're so committed to being not committed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
