If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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