im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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