Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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