I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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