you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
