All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
