One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize