He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
