She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
