I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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