I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
