She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
