onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
