Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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