Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
