Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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