The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
