Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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