She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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