Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
