Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
