Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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