I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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