Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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