Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
