I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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