don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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