we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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