I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
