so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
