I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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