Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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