she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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