counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize