I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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