hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
