Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I believe in your delicious
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
