i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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