I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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