i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
