apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
