i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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