note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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