Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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