I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
