why didn't you poke me back
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
