Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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