sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
